Why Setting Boundaries Feels So Damn Hard (And How to Start Anyway)

You know what’s easier than setting a boundary? Literally anything.

Faking a smile. Swallowing your “no”. Letting someone emotionally unload on you while you mentally rearrange your funeral playlist.

If saying “no” makes you feel like you’ve committed a crime against humanity, congrats, you’ve been emotionally trained to prioritise likability over sanity.

But here’s the truth: you’re allowed to draw a line. You don’t need a PowerPoint. You don’t need permission. You just need to start.

TL;DR: Why Setting Boundaries Feels Impossible

• You were raised to be “nice,” not honest

• You confuse peacekeeping with connection

• You fear rejection more than burnout

• You think being helpful = being loved

• You’ve mistaken emotional labour for intimacy

This isn’t your fault. But it is your responsibility to unlearn.

1. You Were Trained to Be Likeable, Not Real

From the moment you could say “okay,” you learned that pleasing others kept things calm.

Setting boundaries feels like setting off alarms. But boundaries aren’t betrayals.

How to set boundaries tip #1:
You’re not required to self-abandon so someone else can stay comfortable.

2. You Don’t Want to Be Seen as “Difficult”

You say yes while screaming no internally. You cancel on yourself before cancelling on anyone else. That’s not kindness. That’s internal people-pleasing rot.

3. You Think Boundaries Are Mean

Let’s fix that:

Boundaries are not walls. They’re filters.

They keep your peace in and the chaos out.

Setting boundaries in relationships means deciding what version of you gets shared, and when.

4. You Don’t Know How to Say No Without Explaining Yourself

If your “no” comes wrapped in a 10-minute TED Talk and 3 apologies, let’s rework it.

Try:

• “That doesn’t work for me.”

• “I’m focusing on myself right now.”

• “I can’t take that on.”

• “I’m not available for that.”

Short. Kind. Clear. Emotional boundaries 101.

5. You Feel Guilty For Having Needs

The more you’ve been relied on, the harder it feels to pull back. But guilt doesn’t mean you’re wrong, it means you’re disrupting a pattern.

People pleasing recovery starts with one word: No.

How to Actually Start Setting Boundaries

1. Start Small
Say no to a minor plan. Skip one group thread. Baby steps count.

2. Script It Out
Write it. Rehearse it. Use it like a lifeline until it becomes natural.

3. Sit With the Guilt
Feel it. Don’t obey it. Guilt is not a directive.

4. Expect Pushback
If someone freaks out over your limit, they were relying on your lack of one. That’s data, not disaster.